Love, Lag, and Level-Ups: Adult Gamers in Relationships

Let’s talk about something that doesn’t get enough airtime in couples' therapy: gaming. Not just the adolescent kind, but the adult kind, where one or both partners are immersed in digital worlds, leveling up characters while trying to level up their relationship.

Gaming isn’t just a hobby anymore. For many adults, it’s a lifestyle, a stress outlet, a social connector, and yes, sometimes a source of tension. So, what happens when gaming enters the shared space of a romantic relationship?

The Pros: Connection, Co-Play, and Emotional Sync

Believe it or not, gaming can be a powerful bonding tool. Studies like the one from Texas Tech University (Swecker et al., 2025) found that couples who game together often report increased intimacy, shared joy, and better communication. When partners co-play, especially in cooperative games, they practice teamwork, problem-solving, and even emotional regulation in real time.

Some couples use gaming as a modern form of “date night.” Whether it’s slaying dragons in Elden Ring or building cozy farms in Stardew Valley, shared play can create inside jokes, rituals, and a sense of “us against the world”, even if that world is pixelated.

Gaming also offers a unique way to decompress together. For couples navigating high-stress jobs or trauma recovery, gaming can be a low-stakes way to reconnect without the pressure of deep conversation.

The Cons: Displacement, Technoference, and Emotional Drift

But let’s not romanticize it. Gaming can also become a wedge. Research from Chory & Banfield (2009) and Smith (2013) shows that excessive gaming, especially when it's solo or competitive, can reduce relational maintenance behaviors like openness, shared tasks, and emotional availability.

This isn’t just about time spent. It’s about attention. When one partner is emotionally invested in a game more than the relationship, the other can feel invisible. Technoference, the interference of technology in intimate moments, has been linked to lower relationship satisfaction and increased conflict (Drouin & McDaniel, 2021).

And let’s be honest: some games are designed to be addictive. When gaming becomes escapism, it can mask deeper issues—avoidance, anxiety, or unmet emotional needs. In therapy, I’ve seen couples where gaming was the symptom, not the root.

A Personal Note from My Dissertation

When I completed my dissertation in 2015 on the excessive use of video games from a couple’s perspective, one theme stood out: imbalance. In cases where only one partner exhibited compulsive gaming behaviors, the emotional toll on the relationship was undeniable. The non-gaming partner often felt abandoned, not just physically, but emotionally. Over time, the disconnect grew, and in several cases, it led to the dissolution of the relationship.

While the compulsive behavior itself deserves its own clinical unpacking, what struck me most was the relational erosion that occurred when gaming became a substitute for intimacy, presence, and shared life. These weren’t bad people. They were overwhelmed, under-supported, and caught in a cycle that neither partner fully understood.

This is why we need more nuanced conversations, not just about addiction, but about relational impact. Because when one person is gaming to escape, the other is often left alone in the real world, trying to hold the relationship together.

Clinical Takeaways:

• Ask, don’t assume. Not all gaming is problematic. Explore what gaming means to each partner, identity, stress relief, and social connection.

• Co-play vs. solo play. Couples who game together tend to report higher relational quality than those who game separately or competitively.

• Set intentional boundaries. Time limits, tech-free zones, and shared rituals can help balance digital and emotional intimacy.

• Use gaming as a metaphor. Leveling up, respawning, questing—these can be powerful therapeutic metaphors for growth, repair, and resilience.

Final Thoughts

Gaming isn’t the villain. It’s a tool. Like any tool, it can build or break depending on how it’s used. For adult couples, the key is intentionality. Are we using gaming to connect—or to disconnect? Are we playing together, or playing alone in the same room?

In the end, relationships, like games, require strategy, patience, and a willingness to lose a few rounds while learning how to win together.